Source: Trinette Reed | Stocksy

I sat next to my all-time friend on her queen-sized, bed, surrounded by a mass of pillows doing what best friends do all-time: centre to hearts.

Her words stuck.

"As painful as it was, losing that friendship wouldn't have mattered if yous hadn't learned anything."

We were rehashing the loss of one of my closest friendships. My all-time guy friend. (Let's telephone call him David.) A guy who in the course of our three-year friendship I realized I was in love with.

Nosotros laid out the details like a deck of cards. What had gone wrong. Mistakes fabricated on both sides. The scars information technology had left. What I learned from information technology. How I was planning to let go and move on.

I had done the unthinkable. I had written an emotional note to David catastrophe the friendship. To elevation it off, I sent a text. A text maxim I couldn't be friends anymore. The emotional, disgruntled note came subsequently when I felt the need to explain my text. (A note, might I add together, that was written while I was slightly tipsy. Something I highly warn against: drunken notes, texts, smoke signals, or actually communication of whatsoever kind.)

Rewind to 2016 when I realized that I had feelings for my best guy friend. Afterwards three years of a dandy friendship — of long telephone calls, of making fun of each other, of seeing each other at our worst, of challenging each other to grow, of rooting for each other, of me calling him to come save me — I realized I was in beloved, and it scared the crap out of me.

What scared me was that I knew . I knew how I felt. I knew what he meant to me. I knew if I had to choose, I'd always pick him. It was that feeling that older, more than mature couples talk well-nigh, "When you lot know, you know."

Pause. Yeah, you read that correctly. It took me three years to realize I was in love with someone. So yes, a actually long time. I sat on my newfound knowledge of my feelings for a calendar month, hoping I could will them away. I didn't want to be in love with my best guy friend because I was afraid of losing him, simply even more then, I was afraid of being rejected.

It took me three years to realize I was in love with someone.

Then what did I do? I hard-cadre stuffed those emotions, deep, deep downward in a dark tunnel that no one could find. I worked out to avoid feeling. I worked more hours to avoid emotions. I slept to avert emotions. I shopped to avoid emotions. And approximate what? The feelings were still there. They didn't go anywhere.

In the midst of my attempt to avoid reality, a friend gave me some words of wisdom. She told me that perhaps the first stride is to acknowledge what information technology was. I had been running, stuffing, and avoiding for and then long that coming to terms with how I felt seemed impossible. As nosotros sat, talked, and sipped coffee, my heart began to ease and my lips finally released the words that I had been holding captive: I was in love with him.


"Beingness honest about your emotions and being vulnerable won't destroy you lot. In fact, it'll only make you stronger."

One crisp, clear L.A. night with a glass of wine in hand, I took my phone to my apartment's deck, and I fabricated the call. With shaky hands and a trembling voice, I said the words that I had been trying so hard to coffin: I have feelings for you.

Fast forward to present day: the honey that I expressed to my best guy friend turned out to be unrequited. He told me while he had felt the same way before, he didn't think nosotros were a expert fit. It was my biggest fearfulness coming true in real time. Falling in love with someone only for it non to be reciprocated. I felt embarrassed; I felt dislocated; I felt exposed; I felt stupid; I was hurt.

Nosotros tried going dorsum to being close friends similar we had always been, only it didn't happen that way. The telephone calls stopped. The witty texts stopped filling my inbox. We saw each other once again in 2016 when we both were home. My heart wasn't ready. I thought I could exist his friend again, but my heart was withal hurting. So when I got back to L.A., I sent him a text and said I couldn't handle being his friend right at present. He sent me a thumbs up emoji. Nosotros haven't spoken since.

When I got back to 50.A., I sent him a text and said I couldn't handle being his friend correct now. He sent me a thumbs up emoji. We haven't spoken since.

Guess, what? I'grand even so hither. Beingness honest well-nigh my emotions and being vulnerable didn't destroy me. It didn't kill me. While awfully uncomfortable, I am still here. To exist honest, it was relieving to simply be honest. It was like releasing pressure from a balloon. Once it was pierced, information technology all just came out.

I fell in love with someone and that dear was not reciprocated. OK. That's what information technology is, just knowing that fact doesn't destroy me. Oh, almost certainly it hurts similar all hell, just if information technology was love, of course the loss of it is going to hurt.

Years later, I surely don't have all the answers. I yet miss David at times, and I wonder why he didn't feel the aforementioned or why he didn't choose me. I miss our friendship the most. There's then many things over the last iii years that I'd like to share with him: my job layoff, my freelance career, my crazy roommate stories, my trip to Italian republic, my half marathon. All the same, when I observe myself on the train of thought headed to the past for too long, I kindly take my ticket and caput to the exit door.

I know at present that I am enough, with or without this person. Just because one guy didn't pick me, information technology doesn't mean I am unworthy of dear or not adept enough. I am enough, just as I am: imperfect, cute me.

I know now that I am enough, with or without this person. But because ane guy didn't pick me, it doesn't mean I am unworthy of love or not good plenty.

I am finding that part of existence an developed and an overall emotionally salubrious human being means allowing yourself to be real and vulnerable. While there are a lot of things I would go back and practice differently, I am proud of myself for having the courage to be vulnerable. I am proud of myself for voicing my feelings. I am even proud of myself for saying I wasn't ready to be friends yet considering I wasn't. I know now that that'south OK. I only wish I would have had that conversation in person and not sent a text. Information technology deserved more than intendance and and then did he.

All the same, I can show myself grace because I had some growing to do, as we are all in procedure, imperfect human beings. In 2016, I was a hot mess in more means than one. I didn't value myself nor my voice. 2017 saw a lot of growth, a lot, and boy was it painful. I grew to exist more than confident in my talents and gifts. I came to become to know and actually similar the woman I saw staring back at me in the mirror. I learned to say no, to fix boundaries with other people, and to brand self-care a priority. 2018 allowed me to put those lessons into action and I gained a thicker skin. In 2019, I promise to only go upwardly from here.

The top tips I've learned and am implementing into my life.